It's not that I feel un-blessed. I know my glass is overflowing. But is being blessed really just having a middle class peachy life?
I can list all sorts of things that remind me how nice my life is. I'm uncomfortably silent when someone calls me a good person. But I don't laugh at the idea.
Is it just a way to stoke my home-pride fire? Is blessing meant to make me feel more secure and safe?
What if today's blessing is the grumbling dissatisfaction? The one thing between me and self-satisfaction.
The blessings I rely on make me educated, professionally employed, fertile, loved and appreciated, well-housed, optimistic, frequently hugged, respected, encouraged, healthy and well fed.
And the dissatisfaction, it's not a frequent pang. But I need it to long for heaven because I could easily be fooled that I'm already there.
Have you ever prayed that you won't be smug?
I want to be the one who cackles at being called good. Not me - my goodness is full of holes and crinkles. Everything I have is unearnt and undeserved. Given to me by the only one who is truly good.
And even more. What if the following is true?
That my greatest blessings are my inabilities. My losses. My uglinesses. The bits of me that spark shame. My anxious moments, my lateness, my impatience and my laziness. They are where grace and mercy smoulder. They are my possibility. The place where God can truly work, maybe because I can't interfere there.
Perhaps it is the place where my reliance on me is defused and I begin to rely on God - who is infinitely more trustworthy and gracious. And able.
I am a poor, blind, captive slave. I am blessed because someone has come to bring me favour and set me free. Isaiah's promise has been fulfilled. Today. In my hearing.
Linking with a synchroblog (?#*@?) at Imperfect Prose with Emily.
9 comments:
I read this post and felt a tear trickle down my cheek and my heart sing. Thank you for sharing these words.
Mx
So true and so beautifully expressed. We don't own a house and I often think that for this time it is God's blessing to keep me focused on my heavenly, eternal home.
Grace makes my heart sing too. Thanks Meredith.
And Jenny, we don't own a house either (praise God for the manse ;) Lately I seem to be seeing its what I struggle with that points me to heaven. Like CS Lewis talks about in the Weight of Glory - that longing for 'beauty' or 'capital R Romance' which is in fact our yearning for God. It won't be fulfilled, and will leave lingering dissatisfaction with this life, until we see him face to face.
oh kath. this: And the dissatisfaction, it's not a frequent pang. But I need it to long for heaven because I could easily be fooled that I'm already there.
you are so poignant and wise. i'm sharing this on facebook. love you.
Love the way you list your weakness as your strength, because, as you so beautifully put it: "maybe because I can't interfere there."
Thanks Em for your kind words.
Thanks Kelli for visiting :)
"cackles at being called "good"
...I love that.
beautiful soul, yours.
i sense the shepherd in your share:)
-Jennifer
I don't have words to tell you how this touched my heart. "My greatest blessing are my inabilities." I'll be pondering those words this week.
Funny, I've been thinking something similar lately...
Life here is chaotic at the moment and I feel like I'm only just keeping my head above water most days, yet I feel blessed. I'm working out that the reason is largely that no matter how bad the next day looks, somehow I get through it and generally it's because God is giving me the strength to get through. Plus I have the support of a good church. I see so many others struggling without that support. I don't know how they survive really. God's abundant love and that of the church family are all the blessings I really need!
And yep, it's my weaknesses and inability to do it all on my own that have taught me this!
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