Hope born of disillusion



There's a competition running, and it's rumoured that the busiest person wins. I can subtly let you know all the things I'm working on or participating in. I can subtly let you know how important I am by a glimpse at my diary. But would it really impress you? Or would it just be another way to measure each other up, to find ourselves not good enough or not doing enough?

Sometimes I am busy because I have not taken the time to plan or choose priorities properly.
Sometimes I am busy because I want to feel indispensible.
Sometimes I am busy because I think that my plan is the best one and that I can change the world.

Sometimes I can be quite grandiose.
And then I am faced with reality. I can't maintain the pace. My plans are not as brilliant as I believed they were and I find the world curiously intractible.

This is where I need to be. Sometimes the bucket of cold water on my head makes me gasp, but I need the bracing cold to wake me up. To help me see how things really are.

I need to be over-reached, to be inadequate, to fall down, so I can look further for what is necessary. I need to get over myself. Because sometimes I get in the way of God working.

The fascination of my childish, flimsy plans is broken in the dawn light of God's artistry. The moment I will truly long for his power and his agenda is when I give up on my own. When I let my plans die, they will be the seed of God's work.

"Disillusionment births true hope in the same way that death is the context for resurrection. If our dreams don't die, then God-dreams won't be birthed." Leading with a Limp, Dan Allender, p.135.

I think this is a great book. So much to think about and I'm going to read it again. Slowly.

And this...(from the same book)

"The paradox of death leading to life requires that you disappoint many to please One."

This is the cross.

The inconvenience of advent

I bristle at inconvenience. Respond hastily, not with patience.

There's so much that needs doing, so many that need pleasing. And Christmas shopping doesn't do itself.

Why can't you just calm yourself down and go to sleep? I don't say it aloud, but I think it loud enough for all of us to know.

Endless reappearing after tucking-in, reassuring after another drink or trip to the toilet. And its just more inconvenience. I'm double minded in my comfort - wishing peace for him, ... and for me.

Advent is about waiting, quietness, contemplation of the Christ-child. I read it many places. Just in passing.

I wonder about Mary. Travelling on a donkey. Waiting for a baby near birth. Laden, swollen, tired. Perhaps she had this impatience, too. Not just serenity and thought. There is a messiness to Christmas, an inconvenience.

Maybe I need to feel stretched this way, so that I'm not caught in my own holy purifiance. I'm caught between. Desiring God with me, in my senses, and cloistering me. Knowing life and its messy, busy, selfish neediness. In peaceful advent, the cure for impatient lostness. In broken humanity, the antidote for holy pride.

Rocket bees

Insect-like I buzz

always moving

dizzying myself

halting for a moment to collect

thoughts, impressions, dirty clothes.

Intent, faltering to slow

momentum trapped.

A wider lens reveals how little is disturbed by the buzzing, ceaseless motion.

Sunshine stillness barely broken.

Why all the flurry?

Psalm 50

We are a family. We get together each Sunday morning and at some other times during the week. We pray, we sing, we listen and we speak. We remember and we hope.

There are not many of us, and some of us have few things in common.

But as we listen to Jen, the common looms huge. As we pass bread amongst us, as we eat it, minds and hearts move to the love that invites us. 'Remember me.' A body given as proof of his love.


We stop, we wait. A sip taken together. Heads tipped back in unison, allowing the trickle of life-giving liquid. Allowing the promise, the invitation to the celebration. 'Remember my promise.'

Again and again. Echoing, joining multiplied generations. Age upon age of people remembering. I am part of a powerful story - here in this building, in places all over the world, in centuries, families past and to come.

The Lord, the Mighty One, is God,

and he has spoken;

he has summoned all humanity

from where the sun rises to where it sets.

From Mount Zion, the perfection of beauty,

God shines in glorious radiance.

Our God approaches,

and he is not silent.

Psalm 50:1-3

Later we talk. One conversation of people worn out, too busy. Faithfully bringing this story to churches. Desperately trying to be what people need. Never being enough and never knowing how to be enough.

Needs among God's people are endless. Wounds are deep, and, dare I say, people are selfish and don't know what they ask. He shared of pastors and church workers neglecting their families(their wives, their children) in the effort to give to their flocks. Deep is the fear of not doing enough, not being enough. Rich is the desire to serve and to give, to share and to lead. Tempting to neglect the mundane, the ordinary, that which can be difficult.

So easy to fall for the lie that I am indispensible to God's work. To forget that if I were not here, God would go on speaking among these people. God would go on loving and growing them, drawing them to him. I need to hold these two things together - God wants my good and faithful work, here where I am, and God does not need me to do it.

Remember this - it is I who need him.

He does not want a sacrifice of my devising, my independence, he wants a sacrifice of my thankfulness.

"Make thankfulness your sacrifice to God,
and keep the vows you made to the Most High.
Then call on me when you are in trouble,
and I will rescue you,
and you will give me glory.”
Psalm 50:14-15.

I reached 1000 blessings last week. I will continue to count, but I will no longer post my list each week.

"But giving thanks is a sacrifice that truly honours me.
If you keep to my path,
I will reveal to you the salvation of God.”
Psalm 50:23.

The To Be List

I am an occasional list-maker. Being a reasonably spontaneous person, I'm ready to be blown along by the idea of the moment. This also means I am often at the mercy of the urgent rather than the important. (If you've read Stephen Covey, I struggle to be in the important/non-urgent quadrant.)

Sometimes I reach the point where I despair, feeling that I never get anything done. Then I make a list of all the plans, ideas, wishes, must-dos and inspirations whirling around in my brain. It actually helps me sort my thinking. Then I can leave the list and came back to it after a couple of weeks and I usually see some progress.

I do make mental lists when I prepare for my day, but going back to them becomes a reminder of either my unrealistic thinking or my failure to complete. Sometimes I find that the list makes me neglect the really important things. I do my chores, but miss out on listening to stories and playing games. "I'll be there when I finish this..."

I so easily get caught in the trap of seeing value in what I can do rather than who I am.

Lately, I am trying to use a different list. I have started a 'To Be' list. What sort of person do I want to be today... It is time to focus on the how rather than the what, the process rather than the content.

It is crystal clear what goes on my list. And they are on my list every day so I get longer to work on them.

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

Colossians 3:12

Now, whatever I do, it is significant because it is a way to reflect God's nature and show his love. My failure is no longer that I don't do enough. Instead I am on a journey with a bigger goal in mind - the spirit of God shaping me, directing me, allowing me to participate in God's nature.

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.

Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

2 Peter 1:3-4

How am I going to be divine today?*

*The question, phrased this way, comes from a talk by Di Warren at EQUIP 2010

Link #2 for Today

I found this post via 168 Hours and Justin Taylor. Go here to catch Jared Wilson explaining 10 reasons to under-program your church.

My early experience of ministry involved feeling guilt about not doing enough. I was employed by a church for 2 years and ended up discovering the freedom of been involved in ministry on a voluntary basis. Now, my husband is paid to minister in a church and I can be involved as his wife. I actually do similar things now, but definitely put less pressure on myself.

That said, I do find myself thinking, "What else should we be doing as a church?" It's easy to get diary/busyness envy when other people in ministry can share the worthy and valuable programs they run. I measure myself with others and find myself wanting. It's also easy to wear your congregation out, or keep them from having any time to get to know their neighbours.

My husband is different to me. He came to our present church with a long-term view that he didn't want to burn out. Seven or eight years ago he shared his thoughts with me about how he didn't want to burden our church with programs. He made most of these 10 points to me then.

Sometimes I have doubted him (why am I so good at doing that to the person who can benefit so much from my confidence?), and felt the urge to "do more". But gradually I have come to see his wisdom and seen its fruit, too. It seems that famous US pastors are agreeing with him, too!

PS. I know a couple of you who read this blog have enjoyed preaching from my husband in the past. Stay tuned, because we will start podcasting his sermons from church soon. I'll post a link when it's set up.

Being with God

We had a discussion last night about what it means to know God intimately. So often we know about God, but it can be harder to enjoy being with God.

I struggle with this as it always seems to be more important to be doing something rather than 'nothing'. It's interesting that we refer to being still and resting as doing nothing. I actually think that God wants us to 'waste' time with him rather than rush off to our next urgent task. Even when I think about my time with God, I focus on the practicalities of what I'm going to read or what I want to say/pray about. I'm not suggesting that those things aren't good, but I don't want to forget to listen and be still, enjoying the time that the God of the Universe has for me.

There is space for different sorts of times in relationships. Sometimes there needs to be agendas, progress, working things out. Sometimes it is time to laugh, have fun, welcome others and enjoy community. Sometimes it is pleasant to sit and be and enjoy the presence of those we love. I love to look out the window and drink in the sight of my family playing or talking. I cherish those moments and am glad that I am here experiencing them. I want to feel like that about my times with God. There have been times when that has been true, but there have also been times when I treat God like another chore I need to get done, in order to get on with the next one.

“Be still, and know that I am God!
I will be honored by every nation.
I will be honored throughout the world.” Psalm 46:10