Kids in Church

We had a discussion the other day about the behaviour of our children at church. My friend who has children who are 6, 4, 2 and 10 months (and whose husband plays and sings regularly) confessed that she has started to hate coming to church. She worries what people at church are thinking about her children being noisy or misbehaving. She finds herself scanning faces for disapproving expressions. She felt like her son was ruining church for her.

I have thought or felt most of the things she was talking about. Sometimes I miss a whole song or announcement because I'm absorbed by what is happening with one of the children. Some of the time, this is unavoidable. Teaching children to behave in an appropriate way at church is a good thing to do. It takes time, attention and preparation (I'm discovering).

But children are not always well-behaved, even children I love and cherish. They have tired and grumpy days, they have loud and boisterous days, they have 'I'm excited to be alive' days. And if one child has a particular toy at church, it's likely that other children will want it at some time during the service (usually prayer time).

What became apparent during the discussion, was that we all worry about what other people are thinking of our parenting skills, our discipline and our children. It is parenting in public. Even more stressful than the supermarket line, because these are Christians who are weighing us up and judging us.

Wait a minute! this is all wrong. Why isn't church a place where we can experience grace and love and nurturing of our parenting? We are all just learning, bumbling along if the truth be told. It would be a great blessing to be at church and feel that our extended family were here to help us as we teach, train and raise our children.

I think we can start by doing a few things.

1. Start believing that our brothers and sisters wish us well and are not judging us. That they pray for us and want to help us.
2. Allow younger and older members of our congregation to share in our frustrations and struggles. Enlist and older member to help hold a baby or toddler. Encourage friendship between teenagers and our children, in the congregation. Allow people into our family for that hour or two on Sunday and then at other times in the week, too.
3. Stop depending on what others think of us. Start pleasing God rather than people (or our perception of what people think).
4. Enjoy children and their child-like behaviour - in all its forms.

Not at my House

Last night I sat up and watched 'The Good Wife', legal drama with a bit of political intrigue rolled in. It was easy viewing, but I fell into the trap of not turning off at the credits, so ended up watching 'House' as well.

I haven't watched it for ages, and I will never watch it again. I remember, now, why I stopped watching at the end of season 1. I won't mention the fact that the way he tortures patients as the result of his clumsy guess work makes me squirm.

What really made me mad is that House is actually a nasty person. He does not like his colleagues, he does not like his patients and he does not like his supposed friends. He delights in making them uncomfortable, and they put up with it. In fact they come back for more.

His behaviour at work is harassment. His treatment of patients is dismissive and bordering on negligent.

Last night I finished watching the show with a bad taste in my mouth and felt sad for the broken relationships and hurt people in it. The worst thing is that I was just glad to leave and not have to return. That place is bad news.

I would like to say that I could find compassion for House and that I'd want to help him. I try to imagine being in a room with him and all I can think of doing is leaving or giving him a good telling off. He is a very nasty man. I actually don't know if anyone could be as persistently nasty and self-absorbed as him.

I would like to find a moral point - something about we are all lost or that Jesus can love anyone etc. etc. However he is just a TV character and I think he is written nasty for effect. In fact his nastiness is like the unresolved romance of other long-running shows. The writers can't resolve or develop the tension for fear of losing their audience. So House stays nasty because it maintains the dramatic tension.

I am sick of nasty House. He is unbearable to watch and the people who put up with his shenanigans are just as lost as he is. I don't like being in the same room with them. So I won't.

 I think I'll watch Stephen Fry, on IQ, instead.

Neighbours

I have just finished reading this book by Simon Holt. It is both challenging and encouraging. The book begins with an exploration of what neighbourhood is and how it has evolved. It looks at the biblical perspective on neighbourhoods, and I appreciated the view that our priority is to treat our neighbours with respect, dignity and love. It was interesting to reflect that being best buddies with all our neighbours is not necessarily a biblical imperative. (Collective relief from the introverts in the room).

Simon (and I call him that because we are acquainted, and were once neighbours! - that's my name dropping/brush with fame parenthetical statement)... sorry for that interruption. Simon takes the time to affirm ministry - loving, serving and connecting - in your local neighbourhood as mission. He has obviously spent lots of time listening to 'ordinary' Christians share their experiences of intentionally building relationships, praying, sharing faith and time in their local area.

So there are heaps of stories about people who have put time and energy into connecting with their neighbours, in order to love them and serve them. The stories are told engagingly and illustrate the ideas of the book really well. There is no magic formula for reaching people, no particular ministry model, and that is refreshing. The challenge to me, was to find my own way to bless those in my neighbourhood by working at authentic, respectful, kind relationships. To put time and energy into it because its not just an extra, its the main game for churches who want to build God's kingdom.

The Easy Answer

Another dialectic...

Helping people to recover is one of the key goals working with people who have mental illness. I see patients who have experienced considerable difficulties with depression and anxiety. Some struggle with drug and alcohol use because of their depression and anxiety.

Sometimes people want to find a solution or treatment that will fix everything. Sometimes they want it to be easy. People look to medication, to particular doctors or programs, to alternative therapies to have THE answer. Sometimes I can see that someone will struggle to find the motivation and strength to do what is necessary to recover. Getting better takes hard work, requiring determination and perseverence (thesis).

Those who struggle to recover (and that's most of us isn't it?), can so easily feel that it is their fault that they don't recover, or aren't doing it quickly enough. Is it because I'm not trying hard enough? Is it because I don't have enough faith? What else can I do? Not getting better can be a source of guilt, self-blame, depressed and anxious thoughts. People who are already struggling get sunk by these kinds of self-evaluations (anti-thesis).

We need a synthesis which encompasses a call to perservere and struggle on and a reassurance that suffering is not all our fault. We need to encourage hard work and gracious acceptance.

Sometimes it looks like people will not be up to the task, but they need us patiently preparing for the time when they will be able to summon the strength.

Dialectics

Nuanced and interesting opinions involve synthesis of ideas. When I first start to learn about something, my opinions are shaped by the person who has begun to teach me. As I gather information and experience varying perspectives I build a more comprehensive picture.

Dialectics are developments in thinking. Hegel used the concept of dialectics to describe an idea (a thesis) and an opposing or differing idea (an anti-thesis) leading to the development of a synthesis.

Dialectics develop when we contemplate or experience opposing emotions or tendencies. A simple example would be my understanding that God loves me exactly as I am because he made me and knows me intimately (thesis). The anti-thesis may be that God wants me to grow, to mature, to be made perfect, to change from the one he made, into the one he wants me to be.

How do we synthesise these seemingly opposing ideas? A true dialectical synthesis does not negate either concept and does not combine black and white to make grey. Somehow black and white sit adjacent to each other and enrich each other.

My understanding of the synthesis is that God both, loves me as I am, and desires change and maturity for me, as a fulfilment of that love. The tension of acceptance and call for change.

Many of the struggles we face in life, emanate from our inability to hold two seeming opposites together.

How can I (or even why do I) love someone, who has hurt me? There is no easy answer or synthesis, here. But realising the tension and seeing the opposing ideas can help us begin to hold them together. It may take a lifetime for that synthesis to develop.

Developing dialectics and holding them in tension can help us weather the struggles we face. Acknowledging the difficulty of synthesis allows the freedom to be unresolved and to seek fresh input. We don't have to have all the answers, which can be both scary and exhilirating.

What dialectics/dilemmas are you facing?

Trophy Rant

What is the deal with trophies for kids' sport?

When I was a child, I got 2 trophies which sat on my shelf and collected dust. 2 is a modest haul and I was proud of them. One was for winning the 9/5s netball grand final and one for getting 100 points at tennis lessons (it took about 2 years of lessons). I did not feel ripped off or trophy poor.

Now, my children are awarded a trophy for every season of sport they participate in, some seasons they get 2 or 3! They build up in the corner of their rooms/window sills/shelves and get broken pretty quickly. (please note my kids are not sporting heroes, all the kids get these trophies)

Not only that, I have to fundraise/donate in order to buy these glorified pieces of plastic. I am given a box of fundraising chocolates which I then proceed to forget to sell, and end up eating guiltily in front of the TV. Then I fork out the fifty-ish dollars to buy the box. Sometimes I resolve to be strong, and donate the $24 profit each box makes.

I resent buying trophies that I don't particularly want my children to have.

I don't want to ban trophies, per se. I just want to rationalise their use. I just want the winner to get one!

I can't help thinking that we are just rewarding mediocrity, and buying our kids something we would want if we were them. I actually don't think they want endless trophies. I think they want their trophies to be special.

I'll get down off the box now.

The Scarcity Assumption

There are unspoken concepts which influence behaviour. Looking at the drive to acquire 'stuff', to own places and to be the first to have a new thing, one might assume that we need to beat others to it. That there is not enough to go around.

We get impatient when we have to wait in line. We preorder to make sure we don't miss out. Or we line up outside ALDI on a Thursday morning (read also Target/KMart/Big W toysale and layby counter if you live around here) to get this week's catalogue bargains.

Observers of these actions might assume that there is not enough stuff to go around. Last time I checked, however, there are shops filled with stuff in shopping centres all over Australia. Since the GFC most of it is on sale. We are not running out of 'STUFF' any time soon. We have been fooled into thinking that, not only do we need more stuff to survive, but stuff is scarce and we daren't miss out on it.



To quote Veggie Tales (Madame Blueberry), "Happiness lives at the Stuff-Mart, all you need is lots more ... stuff!"




Parker Palmer* talks about the 'assumption of scarcity' driving our behaviour. Believing that good things are scarce drive us to greed, to impatience, to envy and to hate. And the result of our greed and fear driven behaviour is that scarcity becomes reality for the people in society who already lack resources. Eg. People living in famine cannot get food because the world economy is driven by the scarcity assumption.


The paradox he highlights is that the things that really matter in life are actually abundant. God's creation is in fact abundant in beauty and the abundance of creation is always being renewed. God's love and mercy are not limited in availability.

"The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease."
Lamentations 3:22


The world actually has enough resources to provide adequate food, shelter, education and healthcare for people around the globe, if we could overcome greed, oppression and fear.

If we could begin to see the abundance around us, we might be freed from our slavery to envy, greed and the fear of missing out. It is a conscious mindshift, a decision to look for abundance, rather than be driven by the ethos of scarcity. It will encourage thankfulness, generosity and enjoyment. It will loosen the grip of consumerism and greed on our hearts and minds.

Most of all, it will lead us to appreciate the character of God more, God who delights in abundance. Who finds great joy in giving to us, his dearly loved children. God, whose abundance of mercy and grace overcomes our narrowness, our fear and our brokenness.


What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won't he also give us everything else? Romans 8:31-32


*Parker J. Palmer, The Promise of Paradox

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